Article #71 : Gaslighting
Did you encounter someone in your life who tried to manipulate you in a way that made you question your own reality? Did they let you doubt your own thoughts, perception of your memory? Did it happen to you over an extended period of time? If yes, then let me tell you that you are a victim of Gaslighting.
As part of this article, I am going to bring a story that emphasizes on a hidden social issue called “Gaslighting”
The story is about a senior associate in the corporate named ‘Maya’
Maya, as the name suggests, is known for creating her own magic. Maya is a multi-dimensional lady. She seems to be professional in the first instance to anyone, but gradually people realize that she manipulates everyone to show her authority on them. Maya lies at least 100 times a day without any proper reasons. What she says to her team member is one thing, what she describes to her manager is another thing and what actually happens (the truth) is something else.
Maya argues with each and every one in her team. However, the strange part is in the very next minute after an argument, she talks in a very friendly way. She also has the habit of describing false things about others during their absence in a dramatic way. She talks with everyone as if she is close to only that particular person and reveals everyone’s false secrets. She is not happy with everything and everyone around her and always likes to complain.
As the time passed by, there came an escalation from the client that an email was sent late. When the manager asked in the team meeting, Maya pushed the mistake on a fresher although she knows that it was her fault. The fresher who was afraid to talk in the meeting contacted Maya after the meeting.
He asked, “Maya, when did I suggest sending the email late?”
Maya replied, “You remember it was 4:30 PM last Friday. When I was about to send the email, you came towards me and said that it should be sent at 6:30 PM since the timing got changed”
The fresher tried to recollect but couldn’t remember anything saying as such. In fact, he could rewind that he was in canteen during that time.
He told Maya, “But I was in canteen at 4:30 PM”
Maya replied, “Yes you went to canteen, but you came back exactly at 4:30 PM. I could even see you were in a hurry to update me on the new timing for the email”
Maya continued, “In fact, I told you that this could be some confusion, but you insisted on me that the email should be sent only at 6:30 PM”
He again recalled his memory and was in a daze.
Maya said, “It is ok. Every one of us makes mistakes. Now, I have so much work to do, please excuse me”
The fresher discussed it with other colleagues and a valid question was raised among them. How could someone insist on Maya? She wouldn’t listen to anyone anytime. They understood that she manipulated him so he could save herself from the escalation.
Even before people could forget this incident, there came another escalation on a configuration issue. It was quite evident from the logs that the configuration mistake was done by Maya. Again, the team meeting happened, and Maya was questioned. This time she said that she allowed another fresher to work from her machine as part of their training. Since she was not feeling well that day, she couldn’t monitor thoroughly the complete work. Although the manager got little convinced, this time it raised a sense of doubt in him on Maya since even he knows that freshers wouldn’t be able to work on such complex configuration.
The fresher on the other hand raised his voice in the meeting that he never worked on Maya’s machine.
Maya replied, “Yes, in general you never work on my machine. But last Monday at 5 PM, your machine was not working. Instead of being idle, you approached me and started working on my machine”
The fresher said, “No Maya. My machine was perfectly fine all this while”
Maya replied, “Yes, but that day it went on restarting itself for a long time”
He tried to recall but couldn’t remember anything that happened as such.
Before he could respond, the manager asked Maya to take care of such issues going forward and closed the meeting.
The freshers discussed among themselves again and understood that Maya manipulated again. They went to the manager and complained about Maya. The Manager said that he would take care but ignored it for the moment since there was dependency on Maya with respect to the work.
Another week passed by. This time, the manager found an email in his inbox from Maya stating that he already approved her leave during their last discussion, and she was sending it officially. He tried to recall their previous discussion but couldn’t remember any traces of Maya’s request for leave.
Immediately, he called Maya and asked, “Maya, when did I approve your leave?”
Maya said, “Sir, remember it was Tuesday 6:00 PM. We went to canteen and discussed our project work for next week. Then I requested you that I badly need a break for next week and you immediately approved it since you understood how much I was working hard for the project”
The Manager was alarmed. He knows that he never approved her leave. In fact, he remembers that she never approached him for leave. He could then correlate his experience to that of the freshers and thought it is high time for taking action on Maya.
He quickly found her replacement and organized a team meeting.
He addressed the team, “Good Morning everyone, today we have a replacement for Maya”
Although everyone was happy, Maya was shocked. She questioned the manager about her replacement.
The Manager replied, “Maya, what you have been doing with everyone in the team including me is called ‘Gaslighting’ in psychological terms. Talk to yourself and you will understand everything. This is extremely dangerous for the project as well as the company. Our HR is here, she will help you in consulting a psychologist. You need treatment. Unfortunately, there is no excuse to such behavior”
Maya was taken aback and had no words to say.
Moving on from the story, did you know that the term ‘Gaslighting’ was the word of the year 2022? There was 1740% increase in 2022 search for this not so positive term ‘Gaslighting’. This was nothing but a reflection of how we are as a society.
Talking about the history of the term, ‘Gaslighting’, it was first used 80 years ago in 1938 play titled ‘Gaslight’ which was a dark tale of a marriage based on deceit and trickery.
Gaslighting exists everywhere between wife-husband, child-parent, friends and even at workplace. It is synonymous with the most toxic relationships today. Hence, it is the most commonly used term by the mental health experts now to describe the harsh reality of some relationships.
Gaslighting is found in politics too which is commonly referred to as ‘Public Gaslighting’. For instance, the governments downplayed the pandemic, denied the realities, asked the public to live with the virus.
Even, the patients' concerns were dismissed as Minor during the pandemic which is nothing but ‘Medical Gaslighting’
Vladmir Putin was accused of Gaslighting the world for his aggressive actions in Ukraine.
Donald Trump was termed as Master Gas lighter by the political experts.
Gaslighting is more common than you think. This psychological manipulation could cause the victim to doubt their thoughts and leads to loss of confidence and self-esteem. Sometimes, it could even cause irreversible damage.
Then what to do if you are a victim of Gaslighting?
Seek professional help
Go to counsellor
Talk about relationship
Walk away if needed
If you are the perpetrator, then don’t hesitate to seek help and educate yourself since there is no excuse for such behavior.
What’s your say on this? Let me know in the comments below.
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